Thursday, 20 November 2008
-
Finding a way out
I've been helping to take care of my nieces and nephew since I was seven and trying to not make my parents worry ever since my family moved to America. It felt normal until high school years. By the time I was in high school, the pressures and stress from everyday life and responsibilities has built up inside me like a carbonated soda that has been shaken up and ready to explode. In high school, the only way I know of to let out all these annoyances that built up inside me was to scream out loud and to tear papers to pieces, then throw the shredded papers up into the air and pick them back up afterward. I like hearing the sound of paper being torn apart; it calms me down.
During high school, I began to feel trapped from everything.I can't go out without letting my parents know because I'll feel guilty for making them worry. I couldn't get away from babysitting since my mom depends on me to help her with the kids while their parents are working. When I snapped, I would ignore the kids especially when they were crying and running to me. I felt uncomfortable and guilty afterward, adding more to the already filled bottle of carbonated soda. I just didn't know what to do. I thought about running away from home or stay out all day so I could escape my roles of being an aunt and a daughter. I guess, I didn't know how to transfer my negative emotion into something more constructive or to confide in someone about what I am going through at that time. Adding to all these, I was afraid of letting down the expectations people have of me and I was also afraid of showing my bad side to the world. I was trying hard not let the dark side of myself show, but it showed up partially when I snapped. I hated it. It made me feel like a traitor, especially to my parents.
Currently, I am more accepting of myself and I don't feel like I used to in high school. That is not to say that I don't have moments where I just want to explode and have a go at someone or something just to release the pressures and stress. Part of the reason is that, I ignore my responsibility as an aunt most, if not half of the time. I know I shouldn't be doing that, but that is exactly what I am doing. It's not the best course of action, however, I don't feel the pressures and stress as much anymore. Along with the pressures and stress was anger and frustrations; I am just glad that those feelings have calm down to a safe level where I won't be hurting anyone especially when I snap. The only problem now is keeping the kids from entering my room. I now have nine nieces and nephews in total. They get annoying at times and just mess up my room when they enter even though my room is already messy in the first place.
-
recommend
- recs 0
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment